Well, I feel like posting here more since it is more private and I feel nostalgic. I miss that connected feeling a little today, so yeah.

For those of you who don't know, my new boyfriend is working out. It will have been two months on the eighth, a day before my nineteenth birthday. Thing is, maybe it is working out a little too well. He is kind, thoughtful, attentive, funny, stable, and really really smart. I like him--but I don't know that I can stand to tie myself up again already. I'm so afraid to end up with a boyfriend equals best friend situation again. I guess I'm only now realizing how fucked up Ian left me. I know now I should have reached out to you all for support then, should have let you in on what was happening, the year (!) that I spent miserable after him. But I didn't want the lectures I thought I'd hear. So now when Chris gives me a car, offers a place for me to live with him and Dan, etc. etc. I can't just be happy and take it. I have to compare it to Ian, and how going too fast the first time turned into a high-speed trainwreck. And weirdly, I'm blaming Ian for another problem I'm having--everything with him was always a fairytale. I mean, when you're sixteen and think you love someone, someone who promises the sky and sweeps you off your feet at least twice a week you believe them. No matter if you are normally logical like me, you fall for it. When inevitably it falls through, you get cynical fast. You see that you should have known better, so when someone REAL comes along, you can't take it at face value, can't be innocent and in love can't trust them the way you think you should, since now you know more and can see that they deserve it. And since the whole Chris experience isn't covered in sparkle powder, it seems like less in comparison even though it is more. I dunno.

I miss you all so, so much. I miss you Chris and Sam and Elsi and Kasie and Rae and Fu and anyone else reading this, and really really wish we could be together for a while. I can admit it now, and even if you won't have me, I still admit it now, that I need you guys. I want to spend the summer with you. I'll try to find a way, to ditch responsibilities a little and have the summer we didn't get last time around. By the way, Shay might live with me this summer, how cool is that! I love you all and will talk to you soon I hope. Also, I spend upwards of 6K to turn my car into a drift machine, I SO hope this project doesn't go belly up, it's still in the shop though. I went to a huge arcade today and thought of you all. Daisuki,
Lin-chan